the time he didn't propose

Below is another article I wrote for Radiant Magazine (the discontinued sister mag to Relevant Magazine).

It's written about an extremely painful time in my life.  When my boyfriend (now husband) decided NOT to propose.  In light of Valentine's Day coming up, I thought I'd sit on the side of the single ladies and share this article.  No, not every Valentine's Day was spent in joyful bliss.  Sometimes it was just painful. 

It hurts, but God wants to teach us in our pain.

Here we go...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
{via Summer 2006}

For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m doing.  I have no idea what my life looks like after my internship is up on August 1^st.  No idea what state I’ll be living in, where I will be worshiping on Sundays, how I’ll be financing my unidentified apartment or who my unknown best friends will be.

To make matters worse, everyone keeps asking me what I’m going to do come August.  After explaining my oh-so-ambiguous plans, they look at me with big eyes, an enormous smile and positively exclaim,

“That’s SO exciting!  Not knowing what you’re doing.  It’s like a big adventure with God!”

I nod quickly, thankful for their encouragement, and then exit the conversation and perimeter as fast as I can before the tears inevitably start to fall.

The plans of my life weren’t always so unclear.  In fact, three weeks ago I was helping my boyfriend pick out my engagement ring and hearing him describe his plans of asking my dad for my hand in marriage and proposing to me on a family vacation that ended last week.

Most people would be appalled that I knew when my proposal was going to happen, but I’ve never been very good at surprises.  I always knew what I was getting at Christmas way before the morning of.  Not knowing all the details of something big that is coming drives me crazy.  It’s a control issue God is currently breaking me of, but being aware of everything that is going to happen gives me satisfaction that my life is on track.  Or maybe just the assurance that it’s on a track at all.

According to my plans and the expectations I had been given, I should be writing this article with a diamond ring sparkling on my left finger.  Each tap of the “S” key should be resulting in some bling from a .75 carat Princess cut solitaire. 

But, things didn’t quite go as I had expected them to.  Two days before my boyfriend was to fly with our engagement ring to southern California for a beach vacation with my family, he pulled some surprising news.

He said that while he still wanted to marry me and loved me whole-heartedly, he felt convicted that he hadn’t given God enough say in whether this was the right time to propose to me.  My life seemed to crash around me as I listened to him describe his desire to have God control the timing of his life and our relationship.  I should’ve been thrilled that my boyfriend was seeking God in one of the most important decisions of our lives, but instead the only thoughts surfacing were those of disappointment and confusion.  I was suddenly out of control… things were not going as planned.

God has shown me through all this that I have no right to have any expectations for my life.  Who am I to tell Him where I want to be next year?  Who am I to tell Him how my life should turn out?  I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t have the whole picture.  I can’t see my life’s future like God can.  I can’t see which plan of mine will succeed the best.  And I definitely can’t have expectations for what my life will look like in two years when I don’t have any control over the days in between.

There is something I CAN do, though.  I can surrender my expectations and control of my life over to the One who is truly in control - to the One who sees the future and designed my life with His perfect plan.  I can count on Him to surprise me and take me places I never thought I could go while teaching me more about His unfailing and undying love for me.

For some reason, God is not allowing me to know my future right now.  And after a period of rebellion and frustration, I am finally coming to terms with that.  This is a good place to be.  It forces me to completely trust in the Jesus I confess to have faith in. 

Sadly, I think my life so far has made God closterphobic.  I have been so committed to seeing my plans succeed and banking on the expectations I had coming true, God has had no room to move.  He’s been walled in by my expectation to be engaged last week.  He’s been caged in with my plan to be married by next summer.  And He’s been tied up because of my desire to orchestrate the details of my life.

My heart is screaming to break Him free, and I must listen and obey it.  I must untie him and give him the space to run and dance and move in my life – no matter what that looks like for “my plans”.

Proverbs 19:21 makes it clear that trading in my plans for God’s has to be the best plan I’ve yet to make; “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”.  The Lord’s purpose will prevail in spite of my plans, but how much better to surrender those plans upfront to the Lord to do with what He will. 

It’s scary.  It’s uncertain.  It’s exciting.

Tonight, my boyfriend and I decided on a mission statement for our new lives of surrender to God’s plans.  We want to recklessly abandon our lives for the cause of Christ.  That means not having any idea of what a future looks like, but knowing that God is going to take us on a real adventure with Him and He’ll really be able to use us because we’re available, willing, and have no previous plans. 

The first step is to free up my life planner.  Good thing I wrote in pencil.

Interested in reading more? Read one I've already shared here. And another one here.

Linking to 504 Main, Casey Leigh, and Serenity Now today.

some things are a-changin'

I am currently getting a NEW WEBSITE ready for Better Life Bags.  No more ETSY, but you all are going to love the new website.  It's clean, simple, and easier to order than ever! 

Here's a sneak peek:

designed by www.byaimee.com

I'm also making some changes to the bags I'm offering.  We will be slowly transitioning to Better Life Bag designs only!  While most of the bags are designed by me, I definitely use some patterns {with permission, of course} from others.  Not any more. 

I will be hiring some designers to design just for Better Life Bags!  Do you love to design bags?  Have tons of ideas floating around but no where to sell them?  If you are interested in testing out YOUR  design ideas to be turned into a BLB, email me with your sketches or for more information {betterlifebags@gmail.com}.  I'd love to help you get your products from your head to a bag!  I will pay a one time fee for the rights to the pattern and THEN a commission on each bag of your design that sells!

Also, some bag styles are going to be retiring.  Like any of these? 

 Changing pads, The Elizabeth, The Beverly, The Rachel, burp cloths, and The Carla

Grab them now as they will not be there in a few weeks.  I'm also running low on some fabrics {#1, #2, #3, #15, #16, #20}  - so if those are some of your favorites, act now.  I can't guarantee I'll get them back in stock.

There are lots more changes coming with the new website {new bag styles, new fabrics, some ready to ship bags, and well as some bags made from re-purposed materials}.  It's going to be exciting.

Hang tight (unless your favorite bag or fabric is retiring, of course).  Only a few more weeks.

5 things i'm loving right now {about my kids}

Yes, it's that time again.  You saw it in January.  And now that it's officially February, it's time for me to brag about how wonderful my children are and expose everything I love about them right now!  So, here we go:

1. Jonah is potty trained!  

That's right!  We traded the diapers for Thomas the Train unders and it was all his idea.  Couldn't have been simpler.

2. She turned 1.

 My Little Love is no longer a baby.  She is understanding so much... giving open mouthed kisses on command and finding her blankie when asked.  She is finally sleeping through the night - thank goodness... although we had to lower her crib after she jumped ship.

And her birthday party was sure fun to get to prepare for.

As well as watching her smash her cake in the most delicate way possible.

3. No more nursing.  

This was a bitter sweet moment for me.  I shed some tears thinking about how she no longer would snuggle up to me morning, noon, and night.  Thankfully, she has become even more of a snuggle bug since quitting.  I think she misses it, too.

finally enjoying a glass of wine without worry.

4. Brother/sister games.  

Not only do they enjoy laughing at each other while buckled into their car seats, they love playing together at home, too {most of the time}.  Lately, their favorite game has been "Fetch" - where we pretend they are dogs and ask them to fetch toys.   

5. Jonah's comments.  

Here is a rundown of my favorite this month {via my Facebook Status updates}.

Jonah while cleaning up his mess: "it's hard to obey"

Me: "Jonah, tell Mr. Toby welcome to Hamtramck!"
Jonah: "Welcome to Hamchicken!" ;)

Jonah looks at his poops floating in the water as he sits on the toilet and says,
"Hey! I got fish poopies! I got dolphin poopies!"
Daddy: "oh! Do you have any whale or shark poopies?!"
Jonah: {grunting} "... no, I don't have no whale poopies."

Jonah looking at a horse:
"oh! Forsey is having naked time!"

Clara bumps into Jonah's "booty".
Jonah: "hey! That' my booty. I have a NIIIICE booty. I LOOVE my booty."

Jonah hiding:
Daddy: "oh no! Where is Jonah?"
Jonah: "in my pants!"

Jonah: {pulling a book off the shelf} It's a book! Wanna read it, Daddy?
Daddy: sure! What does it say?
Jonah: Jesus loves you!

Scene: Jonah's foot is stuck in a jar (don't ask how).
Jonah: "Help Mommy! My foot is stuck!"
Me: {pulls foot out}
Jonah: "Thank you, Fire Mommy!"

Everything we lay Jonah down for his nap he says (between yawns)... "but I woke up this morning!"

Whenever Jonah passes gas, he says, "I popped poopies!"

BLB of the day:

The Maggie

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